Bear Chase Trail, yes I know I should be proud

A trail half marathon, something anyone should be proud of after completing that feat.   Not just anyone goes and signs up for a race like this on a given day.  I am going to be blunt here, so bear with me for a minute or two.  Off the start line I felt great like I usually do at the beginning of the race, since this was a trail race I hadn’t planned on a super fast pace throughout the day, I had set my watch to 13:00 min/mile to keep it nice and easy.   I was maintaining 11 to start was doing and feeling great.  Minus the Raynaud’s turning my fingers solid purple.  And by solid purple, I mean from the first joint down my finger’s wear the colors of the Rockie’s jersey’s.   So you want to freak out fellow racer’s on the course?  Yeah this is an awesome way to do it, and yeah I couldn’t feel my finger tips either.   I wasn’t freaked out, this happens from time to time when my body decides to stop sending blood to my fingers and they turn purple, no biggie.   But apparently it scares others and kind of interesting to watch people’s reaction as I continue to run as though nothing is wrong and people try to get me to stop, yeah no I am not going to stop, nice try.  I am going to run shaking my hands performing a really awesome run dance move to get the blood going, stopping will only make it worse.  Anyway, they got back to normal about mile 2 or so, people could calm down.  I actually was able to stay with the pack for the good part of the race, which astounded me.   THAT NEVER HAPPENS.  Usually, I am the one that is like the herd of turtles running through peanut butter at the back of the pack slowly moving along.

As the race went along I battled the hills, you see hills and I don’t get along one bit.  I really probably should do something about that.  Lupus sees hills and goes “Ohhh there’s my chance, there’s the weakness” and I slow down.   In my head a mental struggle occurs.  I hate slowing down, I hate having to walk and slow my pace.  I don’t like it one bit but I can’t run hills in a race, doesn’t make sense.  Make me run a hill in a work out and I can do it but in a race it just seems impossible.  I need to somehow get past this and move on.  I want to do the Spartan Ultra Beast next year.  That bad boy is nothing but hills girly, got to get past that mental road block some time.  That’s my new goal, hills and I will be besties to the end soon!

Anywho, the race yes.  The race was awesome, so why am I not proud.  I didn’t give 100% the whole time.  You see, every race I do is a constant battle with my disease, its constantly pushing back on me and I hurt.  But I push back, yes I know I am not fast.   I want to win and yes I know I do but not as gallantly as I would like to.  I want to be fast, I want to make these huge athletic strides and its hard.   I know I am doing things that most lupus patients can’t do and for that I am beyond thankful.  Words can’t express how thankful I am that I am able to kick lupus ass with every race I can complete.

After I completed my race and I said I was disappointed with my time, I got yelled at by some friends that are very near and dear to my heart.  All of who mean the world to me.  They had the right to yell at me because I shouldn’t be disappointed I know.  I am hard on myself.  I push myself to the limit and beyond.   I want to be better and go farther.   They have a point though, I have achieved a lot and should be proud of my accomplishments and cut myself some slack.  So I will this time.  3 hours and 15 minutes isn’t anything to be disappointed in.  I finished, I got up early on a Sunday to run a race instead of sleeping in.


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