What It’s Like Getting Back to It

I haven’t written in some time.   I had heart surgery, got a pacemaker at 32.   Went back to the dark place I was in when my lupus was bad, because I couldn’t do anything for the longest time.   I had to “take it easy”.   Yes the pacemaker saved my life and I am forever grateful for that.    I needed to have it put in to keep on keeping on.  However there is another side of the story.

Not being able to do the things I love took a toll on me, let’s admit I got depressed for some time because my passion was taken away from me.   Not many will understand this but to have the one thing you love taken away from you so quickly and not to get it back right away.

It’s taken me since November to get back to my happy place.   It’s taken this long for me to get back to my happy place.  You can see me smile and be happy, but deep inside I am fighting a battle.  I want to be back to the old happy working out me.   I want to be back to the go go go.

It’s taken this long for me to realize I needed to just push myself to go.  To get back to my eating routine.   To get back to the routine that I love so much.

Now these past few weeks, I am finally getting back there I am finally getting back to doing what I love.  Getting back to lifting all the weights, being in my happy place.

I know I may have let some people down while I was fighting my own battles, and for that I am sorry.   I had to fight a battle that for me was extremely difficult.   It’s not easy fighting a disease that is basically out to get you every single day.   It’s not easy knowing that you never know what it may attack next.   I fight this battle and sometimes I forget that I have so many others that are willing to support me.

I am working back to being the old me.  I am working on being back to the person I love with some limitations but I will get back there eventually.   I look back at my old pictures and realize how far I have come and don’t want to go back there.

So just wait I am working on getting back and posting new posts.   Working out and competing in a weight lifting competition.

The battles I have fought have made me who I am.   The struggles that I have been challenged with are part of my journey called life, no it hasn’t been easy, but yes I am working on making my way back.


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