Looking back on who I USED to be……

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Social media is always a great source for reminding you of what was happening in your life in the past.  Ironically 6 years ago today, my gall bladder basically exploded and I ended up in an ambulance and having surgery.   I lived in the hospital six years ago basically.   I was always there.  I had added that to the normal of my life.   It’s what my doctors told me repeatedly that I needed to get used to.  That is what my life was going to be with the diagnosis of Lupus.  That I didn’t have a optimistic outlook on what my life would be.  Lupus is a terrible disease.   It slowly tries to kill you from within with your own immune system.   It attacks your skin, your organs, your well being.  It takes everything to go on every day knowing that your own body is trying to kill you.   Knowing that you don’t know if you will go into liver failure, kidney failure.   Not knowing if you are going to have a stroke or a heart attack because your risk of blood clots is so high.  So you accept it and deal.  You deal however you can.   I worked three jobs when I was first diagnosed and was in school full time getting my engineering degree.   I would work and sleep very little.   And used to drink a lot, because when I drank I didn’t feel the pain.

It’s ironic that God sends people into your life when you need them the most.   Moving to Denver for a new design job 5 years ago was probably the best thing that could have happened to me, because it changed my whole perspective on what my future would be.   I was convinced to start working out.  Did it hurt ?  Yes like hell.   The first year of working out was miserable because my body had started deteriorating my muscles and joints.   I had to fight to get back to being healthy.  This journey was not short however.   Its taken 5 years to be healthy.   Five years of fighting everyday the urge to stop and give up.  Five years of failures on certain things but not giving up.  Getting back up and trying again.

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Looking back this morning, I was brought to tears.   At 5 this morning when I saw my “memory” on Facebook of the ambulance ride and emergency surgery, I had to take a moment to thank God for the opportunity to be healthy again.   The opportunity to help others who are going through the same hell I went through.   It’s not easy going through hell when no one truly understands what its like to have your own immune system, which is intended to protect you, trying to kill you.   Going through chemotherapy and losing all your hair.   Having to wear a wig and a fake smile on your face knowing none of that was real.   But now I am smiling for real, for so many reasons.  And I am here to help others that need a shoulder to cry on, an ear to complain to, someone to just listen and truly understand.

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These past two months I have made so many strides in my physical abilities.   Things that five years ago I never thought I would ever be able to do.   Things that my doctors told me I would NEVER do.   Not going to lie, I truly enjoy proving people wrong.   It’s kind of my thing now.

Hell would I have thought I could back squat 215 lbs 5 years ago?  Hell no.   I could barely walk around with my own body weight let alone that weight.   Did I ever think that I could run a sub 9 minute mile?  Hell to the no.  I could barely run a mile, would have to stop and walk.   My point in this is we all have to start somewhere.   And where you start doesn’t matter.   It’s about the dedication and heart you have in it all.  You are doing this for you, no one else.  Ok maybe to prove some idiots wrong but still this is for you.

I work out for me.   I run for me.   Most people call me crazy, but wouldn’t you be doing the same thing if 5 years ago it took everything you had to walk up a flight of stairs?   Pretty sure you would have the same mindset.

I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon.   This is who I am now!

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One Response to "Looking back on who I USED to be……"

  • You are the strongest person I know. ..so proud to be your mom..I love you

    1 Elizabeth Jameson said this (March 18, 2016 at 2:40 pm) Reply


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